2.21.2011

Life Decisions

CAUTION: BRUTAL HONESTY AHEAD!! These photos were taken on my drive up to Athens on Thursday. What a beautiful drive. 3 hours and 20 minutes of farmland and national forests. Brandon has had two very incredible job offers/interviews in the Athens area this weekend and we are overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. The past year has been such a roller coaster with all of the job searching/moving and all that comes along with that. I honestly thought I would be so excited about the prospect of moving back to Athens, but for some reason I am not. I feel nothing and I don't know why.
I have been praying for quite some time for the Lord to just help me to be content and happy regardless of my circumstances, and over the past couple of months I've really reached that point. I have been content and happy in Daisy and now our whole world is about to change again. I have a very difficult time adjusting to change, so I am a bit anxious about all of this. In some ways I feel like God was just trying to get me to the point where I was truly content before he could give me what I prayed so hard and long for during the first six months of living in Daisy. I spent all that time praying to be somewhere else and I am totally ashamed of that. I am so ashamed of the fact that I could not be happy and content with where I was {during those first six months}. While I know we have no real future down there, leaving will be bittersweet. I've learned a lot about myself since we've been there. It was like getting back to my roots. I realized just how spoiled I had become living in Athens and having everything I could want at my disposal. It's amazing how I spent my whole life living in the country in the middle of nowhere and being used to that lifestyle and I somehow forgot how to live like that while I was in Athens. So, when we moved to Daisy I was in culture shock. But, over the past few months I feel refreshed that we have a very simple way of life and we can't just run up to Kroger/Publix when we feel like it. We have to plan-be strategic since it's 50 miles one way and gas is over $3 a gallon. Now that we are moving back to Athens I am nervous about reverting to old habits/conveniences. And being away from family has gotten much easier as we have made a few good friends down there. I honestly like having some distance so that everyone can have their own lives. I do not like for everyone to know every move we are making. Though we do feel that our family tree might change significantly over the next 2-10 years, and therefore we feel like we need to be closer to home. You can't get back time when people are gone. I love being out in the country on a farm, like how I grew up. I love rural America, and I love the flat land of South Georgia. I love that I can see for miles. I love that I can watch the sunset without obstruction and I can see a storm off in the distance. I can see millions of stars in the sky at night. I can spend my evening in the solace of an irrigator over crops and dirt roads with little white churches and Live Oaks aplenty. I love being near the coast and eating the fruits of the sea. I love the agriculture and especially the cotton. Cotton is one of the most beautiful gifts God gave us Southerners and I am so grateful. Thinking about the farm dogs, Annie and Sweetie, and the horses on the farm...the floodgates have officially opened as salty tears roll down my face. This is the first sign of emotion I have shown in days, maybe weeks. What is wrong with me? Isn't this what I wanted? Didn't I cry for months on end and pray to go back to Athens? Maybe my hormones are still completely jacked up from the miscarriage. I don't know what I want. When I'm in Athens I want to be in Daisy, and sometimes when I'm in Daisy I want to be in Athens. I suppose I want a little piece of it all. I am embarrassed and discouraged by my behavior over the past year. I am remorseful and discomfited with all that I have put my husband through during those twelve months. I have burdened him in ways that I cannot imagine and I wish I could undo it. I wonder if he knows how much I admire and delight in him. How I long for the moments we spend on emergency and farm calls. How I would give everything I have (except my Pug) to be in the company of him and his truck out in the country. Does he know that he is my hero? My tears have stopped suddenly. I feel stone cold again. Is this what contentment is all about? Having no emotions and becoming apathetic, because apathetic is exactly how I feel. Apathetic literally means: unmoved, uninterested, unconcerned, indifferent, uninvolved, emotionless, dispassionate. If that's what it means I'm not so sure I want that. What is the point of living if you don't feel? Contentment is supposed to mean: happiness, tranquility, peace, satisfaction, gratification, fulfillment, pleasure, ease, comfort, serenity, well-being. Why don't I feel any of those things? I feel like a completely different person over the past month. Like a stranger in my own home. I don't even know who I am or what I want and I am frightened by that truth. The past few days I just want to be free and go where the wind blows me. As long as it's in the Deep South and the days are long and the nights are warm and the air is salty. Be careful what you wish for...you just might get it. I am so torn right now, and so is Brandon. We don't know what to do or which job to accept. Please keep us in your prayers as we try and figure everything out and where God wants us to be. "You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." Psalm 16:11

19 comments:

  1. You are in my prayers! I feel the same way! I love the solitude of country life! I love Athens, A LOT but I do not want to live there!

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  2. I am definitely praying for you!! I wish I had more to offer than that but words fail me!

    I'll be praying for you and Brandon both and for the path your life is heading!

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  3. I can't imagine being in your place, that's such a hard decision. I'll keep you and Brandon in my prayers! Just remember that whatever you do, God has a plan for you, and everything will work out!

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  4. I think you should make a chart of pros and cons for each place, sometimes seeing it on paper makes it easier. Can you compermise and get what you love soo much, yet would miss in either place? Explore all your options. Maybe by exploring what could be, it will help you find your way. It sounds like you have hit the fork in the road, but I think either way you go, it will be good, if anything just another part of your journey together. Just keep that in mind, where ever you go, you are together and in the end that is all that matters. Keep what you hold dearly and close to your heart, it will never guide wrong!

    Good luck!!

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  5. I'll be praying for you! I'm not a fan of change, but thankfully He already has it planned out! It doesn't mean we aren't for certain though.

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  6. Cherish, even though we are in completely different walks of life and are in vastly different situations, my heart hurts for you in a way only someone who shares the same feelings can. I have grown up with such anxiety towards change. Change in my life usually means tears, pleading prayers, and questions. There are so many times that I wish I would have just accepted the change because things could have been so different. Don't hold on the "what if's" and the "I should haves" because even though your behavior wasn't what it should have been, it has now taught you a lesson for a lifetime. Take hold of that and the promise the Lord has for you and take a step. I'm stepping into my own fire right now, and I'm going to encourage you like you've encouraged me. Walk through it. You can do it. I'm praying for you and Brandon.

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  7. I know this post probably wasn't easy to write, but I certainly admire your strength to be so honest. I can understand how you and your husband must feel pulled in two directions while making this decision, but I am sure that with prayer God will show you the direction that is His will for the two of you. Until then, I will be praying for the both of you!

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  8. Cherish, what a beautiful and honest post. I cannot imagine how hard all of this has been for both you and Brandon. I had a lot of trouble adjusting to moving away from my family. I am praying for y'all...I know that God will lead y'all in the right direction. Let me know if I can do anything for you!

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  9. I'll be praying for you and your husband. I'm confident the Lord will lead you in the direction he sees fit. I've definitely had a hard time adjusting to being away from my family, and while it's not easy, I know that God wants me far away as a way to learn how to lean on him in everything. Being content is a hard lesson to learn, for me too, but always remember God is in control, He loves you and knows what is best. Trust in the hope the Lord gives you! You are a beautiful person (:

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  10. Prayers for you, sweet Cherish! Just know that even in a big city like Athens, you are no more than an hour away from that sweet Georgia country you have come to love, just like Kroger and Publix were for you in Daisy. Delight in the love you and Brandon have for each other. I can tell it just from reading your blog and I've never even met you in person! Moving is one of the most stressful things in life, but I know you can be strong and always find the silver lining.

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  11. I'll be keeping y'all in my thoughts and prayers! I'm not a fan of change either :( I know that the Lord will guide you to the right place and will be with you through all this change!

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  12. What a beautifully honest and graceful post. Your candidness is admirable. Although I have not lived a similar life as you, you do have something in common with a friend of mine in that you both have an angel baby. Could your feelings of discontent and feeling like a stranger in your own home be symptoms of your loss? I hope you have given and/or give yourself the proper time to grieve and don't beat yourself up for the feeling, actions and attitude that comes in that grief period. I'm rooting for you sweetie...
    Every Mile A Memory

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  13. This is my first time stopping by your blog and I'm so glad that I found it.

    I can relate 100% to this post on so many levels. My husband and I have been struggling with many life decisions over the past twelve months as well. I feel like I have been in a constant state of prayer since February 2010 - asking for answer, guidance and a sense of peace - non of which has come yet. I trust that God has a plan and a purpose for our life together. I trust that He will provide our needs and that He wants us to be happy; however, there are still so many unanswered questions.

    I also have put my husband through the ringer over the past twelve months. There have been so many days when all he needed was for me to lift him up and support him and instead I pointed out all of his flaws and the ways that he needed to do more. I can't begin to explain my remorse for those moments.

    But we both are focusing our efforts on seeking God's will - on trusting that He has a plan for us. And I promise He has a plan for you and Brandon as well. Continue to pray and ask for a peace about your situation. I think a large part of the uncertainty is our age and state of life - trying to figure out "what we want to be when we grow up" - but we've already grown up! LOL

    I hope you find a peace over the upcoming days. Can't wait to hear about what's in store for you!

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  14. Cherish, please know you & Brandon will be in my thoughts and prayers. I thought about you just the other day and how there hasn't been much coming your way. I wondered if something was wrong. Or if you & Brandon have just been caught up in the goodness of life itself. This post took a lot of strength and honesty. My heart aches out for you. I want you to find peace and satisfaction. I want you to know that no matter what the circumstances, they happened for a reason. I'm not a fan of change either. I love my hometown and I don't see myself ever leaving. If I was faced with this challenge, I'm not sure how I would respond to it. And, that's ok. Every situation is different. Every person responds differently. But in the end, there's one outcome. Everything works out for the best.

    Please know I'm thinking of you! ♥ [hugs]

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  15. I'll be praying for you and your husband. I just read your miscarriage post and I am so sorry. My husband and I went through a miscarriage in Sept. with our first baby and we weren't "trying" either. My heart completely understands. I'll be praying for all the changes you and your husband are going through.

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  16. Oh my goodness!! How wonderful to be in the situation of being able to choose between 2 jobs when lots of people in America are searching for just 1!! I know it's hard to go through so much change but I always have to remind myself that change is the only constant in my life. I'm praying for you!

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  17. Hi, sweet friend. My heart aches as I read your uncertainties. Change is always hard, but it does not mean that it's bad. I will pray that you will find discernment in your decision, and that NO MATTER what decision you and Brandon come to that you will be filled with peace and contentment. Love you!

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  18. Girl, I am praying for you! I totally understand the dilemma in choose city over country. Rural makes me happy and at peace with myself, where as the city is chaotic and stressful! Know that you have an amazing Savior and husband. Both are the best support you could ask for. Trust in the Lord, let him lead you in the way and pray for the peace in whatever place he wants you to be.

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  19. I feel like such a bad friend that I haven't been by in a while...it has been a crazy week at our house. Two words--potty training :)
    I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes I know I should cry or laugh or something and instead I just feel numb. It's a weird thing. The feelings usually catch up with me though, and instead of just trickling down, it's like someone opened the floodgates!
    Praying for discernment & peace for you & Brandon. The Lord has a plan and He'll walk you down the path He's already provided! And I'm sure your man knows just how much you care. And by the way you talk about him, I'm sure he is wanting to do the right thing for you too!
    Congrats on the great offers though! They are blessings even if they cause some sadness, they are turning you closer to the Lord!

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