6.27.2010

Home for the Weekend

We had some things we needed to do to our house in Athens so we drove up for the weekend. We had a lot of work to do and we got a lot of it done, but we still need to do more. We unexpectedly got to take Lilly and Landon out to eat with us Saturday night which was wonderful because I hadn't seen them in a few months and I miss them terribly! Saturday night after we got home from dropping the kids off was really rough. We drove through downtown and around UGA's campus on our way back across town and I guess it just triggered so many emotions. By the time we got home I couldn't even speak and I just get ready for bed and got in it. I can't remember how long I held my breath to try and keep from crying but it felt like an eternity. When I couldn't hold my breath any longer and just burst into tears and I sobbed for over two hours. I just could not stop. I felt like there had been a million times over the past few months that I felt like I was going to cry, but I just would not allow myself to. So when they came the floodgates were opened and my broken heart cried out for the first time about my innermost feelings. I just let God have it. For the first time in my life I was so brokenhearted that I actually made a statement to the effect of how I could understand why some people would choose not to believe in God. Why believe when He doesn't even remember you and he doesn't answer your prayers. Since my outburst I have come back to my senses, but I have just been so devastated that I just said out loud exactly what I had been feeling inside. It was therapeutic. I highly recommend it. I just laid myself out on the line for God (and my poor husband who just laid there beside me) and I let it out. I didn't wake up the next day feeling miraculously better, in fact I just felt numb. I felt like I was in a daze most of the day simply grasping at straws so that I wouldn't lose it again. All of this being said, I am typically a very level headed girl. I do not let my emotions control me and I am a very stable and independent person who would ordinarily never do such a thing as this. But, I needed to. I did feel lighter, like I wasn't hiding everything inside of me to try to keep anyone from seeing it or knowing the truth about how I feel. For the first time in a long time I did feel God's presence, which is something I have been longing for. I am just having to take everything breath by breath because I am riding a rollercoaster and I don't know if I'm going up or down most of the time. When we were driving back to Daisy we pulled over on the side of the road to watch the sunset. "So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever." 2 Corinthians 4:18

1 comment:

  1. i know this might not always be easy to hear, but when we are in a state of broken-ness, god has much more room to do mighty things in our lives....i know He is holding your sweet heart in the palm of his hand and He wants wonderful things for you and your family. i'll be praying that you keep hearing from Him thru this time!

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